Damn~

People is intimidated by me..or to be more specific..men.why ar??as if Im going to slice them into pieces..Am i that 'sombong' that they are like afraid with me??sorry to say but Im not the gedik type nor am I the peramah type..
I may look unaproachable but once u know me,u'll be surprised how gedik I am.haha.Naah..Im just that boring type of gal kot.hoho

But then,I always listen ppl say that the ppl who is too peramah n gets along with u very fast,dat kind of person is well,u know,not that reliable and is hypocrite.Well,I had experienced dat.In fact,many times.N Im like the type dat can easily be taken advantage of and cpt kesian kan,so dats why kena byk kali.

My love life sucks.Hurt,sad,whatever..pathetic pun ada.Am not that desperate but then I do get lonely sometimes.I wont deny it coz it's true.N then,my heart has been broken like a lot n rasa mcm xde perasaan dh kot..I xknow why but men always broke my heart n they will make it as if Im the reason.I will argue but I'll admit if Im wrong..It was totally n clearly n obviously that they were wrong.They were the ones that had some issues n they were blaming me???I didnt try hard enough??bullshit!Curang dpn mata pun xnak ngaku..N im the one yg slh.

But then,eventhough it's tiring to be a teacher, n now that Im going to teach primary schoolchildren,I feel like I am blessed in a way..They are cute n innocent..N they can be as naughty as i dont know,monkey?? but then,they make me laugh n smile..I will scold them,nag them but they will keep calling me 'teacher~~' n smile..Sometimes my ex-students will msg me n say they miss me..N one of them said he remembered how I scolded him in class..and to think that I did make an impact in someone's life..I dont know how to describe dat feeling..I feel appreciated..Mybe dat is the satisfaction dat we get if we r really sincere..I am lazy.God knows how lazy I am..but when I say it,I mean it..I xwant them to make mistakes like I did.I want them to succeed.They xknow hows life out there..

To think that I am appreciated..its nice I must say..but to be appreciated by men??Mybe all my fault la kot..dats why.

Well,intimidated ke nk take advantage ke..buatla..I played my part n if u just want to toy around,what can I say?I will be swept off my feet again n again but then my heart will be broken n broken into pieces again.What a life..My life is interesting in a way.Lots of drama..Cerita kat kwn2 pun diorg pening.pusing2 smpai they said ur life mmg leh buat drama.hoho

Whateverla,Juita..Be strong~ I am consoling myself!!!! (sob sob~)

happy..?

Happy?? xknow how to describe it..

Who am I???

To whom should I trust??should I trust my instinct?or what i see?or what I heard?

Am I too easy to be pleased?or easy to be taken advantage of?or am I just a plain idiot who is so adamant in believing what I think is right??or am I just a plain ignorant??

I want to be happy. I really am..I want to be..me...I want us to be us..Is it me who should sacrifice?? I am holding to this one promise to this one person..I should never give up on him..never..should one day,he wants to leave or somebody wants him, I must fight for him..N so does he..Dat is why I never give up hopes..I am fighting,fighting and fighting..Eventhough I feel really tired n as if I have no dignity, I am still fighting..

But I did give up hope once..But yet,I was given a hope back at a time when I just gave up..N being a human being, I believe and wait for it to happen again..A hope that I'm still waiting for it to happen..

Is it my fault??Why am I putting myself in a position that will make myself to be..sad??

Crying n crying..the pain..i wish he knows..does he??or he just being ignorant??I want to hate him..I really do..I hate him..n then I realised..I love him..I really do..to hear him say those words..I'm happy..to hear his voice..I miss him so much..I love him so much..I wish he knows it..maybe he does..maybe he hates me..maybe he loves me..I dont know..I just hope one day I will be happy..

Dear God,pls give me strength..pls make my journey in this world to be smooth..

Still..I love him..

I was hoping everything will be ok but then when i thought things will go well,it didnt..I was so freaking tired emotionally. I dont know how long this heart can endure..I wish life will be easy..graduate,find a bf,find a job,get married n have children.Full stop. But then,my life is so full of drama. In fact,longer than a telenovela..

Yet, I'm stilll hoping..I just hope I will find them..Them..My hopes and dreams..

I am happy for now~

These few months were a mixture of  happiness,sadness,craziness..etc.

For some reason,I always feel that I deserved to feel so..what should i say..bad??Now do i realise that my life is so pathetic. I let myself to be treated like shit n yet believe that I deserved that.

I believe in God.I always do eventhough I'm not a good follower.I believe God is fair n I will be happy. I'm now in IPG doing my KPLI for English. I remembered when I was waiting for the result to come out.I pray that if this what i must sacrifice in order to be happy,to be a teacher,to meet with a man that can guide me,make me happy,I accept it..And only God knows how happy I am,how thankful I am when I was accepted..Eventhough I was so damn sad becoz of a guy that was soo good in convincing me that I AM the reason for everything,I am happy..

As for know,I'm happy.Eventhough I am so freaking tired n exhausted. But I accept it with an open heart. And FYI, I lost a few kilos in only 3 weeks!! sooo damn happy.

But now,i have this fear. The fear of being hurt and I dont think I can tolerate or even accept it anymore..Why it must be me?the feeling of hurt n sadness of being deceived,manipulated..the feeling of hurt alone saddens me..

I know I must believe in God and I pray for that..I still believe everything happens for a reason..And hopefully,it will..

Sakit!!!

    OMG!! I have no voice!!damn~ in fact it was already 2 days but at least yesterday I still managed to talk but today..huh..I doubt the students will understand what I am trying to say.
  
    Btw,I'm working now. Still as a teacher but at diff school. So,trying to adapt to a new environment and hopefully I will get to be a permanent teacher.
 
    So,as for now,less internet for me and more work??hehe.I wish.but i do feel a bit tired after work since I'm working in the afternoon session.
  
     Erm,what else??I was happy for a few days bcoz of some calls that I'd received but now no calls..so no diff..but I wish I will get a real n serious answer..at least..

    So,my throat is aching n voice is like a rock star~haha. n hoping n waiting as usual..So,need to sleep n rest...Until then,bye~
   

Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year ~

This year CNY is clashed with the V day..I like CNY..maybe becoz i am half chinese so I am excited ~hehe.I like the gold cake.Mom will buy a lot during CNY and keep it so we can eat it if we feel like eating it.One of my fave kuih~hehe.thinking of it makes me feel hungry..nyum nyum~

As for V day.I never celebrate it even with my ex..I know ppl say that it's not good to celebrate it but i'm not into celebrating it.It's just that I think it's sweet to go for a date n just enjoy the moment..

Last year, at this time I was working n my ex who was in KL at that time came to Penang for work..I didnt know he was coming..n I was at school at that time..When I reached home,I saw a paperbag. So I asked mom, "What is that?". She said, "U la"

I was like..What??? Eventually,my ex dropped by n gave me a diamond earrings and a pendant..I wished he had waited for me..but that was the most romantic thing that he had done for me..Damn it..I feel like missing him..but past is past..rite??

I dont know what the future holds for me..I just hope I will be happy..I never regret abt things that I had done..those experiences are priceless..

So,happy CNY n V-day~

A new year, A new hope

Well,it's already 2months since i last updated my blog. It's not that I'm not free.It's just that I'm lazy.I xhave any mood to do anything..

Before this I did talk about trying to be optimistic..but as I have guessed,I end up being a pessimist..It's not that I didnt try..but the more I hope,the more I try to be optimistic abt things,they turned out to be negative..

Yesterday,I found out some truth..n it hurts..I know I wont get any answers nor I will get any explanations..I dont know whether I am naive or plain idiot..an idiot..people always say try to be optimistic but in the end..sigh~